Situational Assertiveness: Say It, Mean It, and Still Feel OK

This month we focus on a common challenge that we see in our coaching regardless of seniority, regardless of role, so much so it could be the feature of any month.  Situational assertiveness is something that any professional requires to be at their best, but many struggle with getting this balance right. For those who are prone to being situationally submissive, this helps to increase the value they attribute to themselves. For those who are prone to be situationally aggressive (not the shouty kind – but rather prioritising themselves over others) it helps them to increase the value they attribute to others. 

It's often hard for your people to get this balance right. Situational Assertiveness isn’t about being “the loudest in the room” or putting your foot down. It’s about prioritising yourself as much as others, and speaking from a place of calm clarity—even when things are a little uncomfortable.

We see a number of recurring themes depending on whether people are more aggressive or submissive:

1. “I’m generally assertive—but in some situations, it disappears.” 
2. “I want to value others, but really I just want to get my point across and get on.” 
3. “I wish I could speak up more without overthinking, apologising, or second-guessing myself.”

It’s not simply a question of bulldozing or backing down. It’s more about choosing the tone, timing and technique that gets your message across and keeps your integrity intact both during the communication and afterwards. When people are getting this balance right, this is typically what they say.


1. “This is important to me.”
Assertive people allow themselves to say what's important to them and consider themselves as important as the other person. They’re not over-apologising, qualifying or padding their points. Neither are they over-domineering. They state what matters—calmly and clearly. 

This builds confidence, trust, commands attention and avoids mixed signals. 

They don’t say/think: 

“If I make a fuss, they’ll think I’m difficult.” (Submissive)

“If I say what I actually think, I’m worried it will come across as aggressive.” (Submissive)

“If I don’t get what I want, I’ll look weak.” (Aggressive)

Submissive approach: Instead of saying what’s true, they sugar-coat or stay silent—then often feel frustrated afterwards. Over time, this undermines their influence and their self-esteem.

Aggressive approach: Instead of valuing another’s viewpoint, they tend to ignore it. This is not conducive to high-performing teamwork, erodes empowerment and builds resentment.


2. “I understand your situation—and here’s mine.”
This is empathic assertiveness. It honours the other person and your own needs. Assertive communicators don’t try to “win.” They aim to align.

This helps people stay open and reduces defensiveness—even in tricky conversations.

They don’t say / think:
“They should already know I’m overloaded.” (Submissive)

“I don’t want to seem unhelpful.” (Submissive)

“My work is more important so just do it anyway.” (Aggressive)

Submissive approach: The result? A build-up of quiet disengagement and resentment, or saying “yes” through gritted teeth—neither of which gets the job done well.

Aggressive approach: Often leads to disengagement or overworking and overwhelm in others in the short term, and burnt out / lack of people retention in the long term.


3. “I’m not able to say yes to that right now.”
Using assertive language sometimes means removing the fluff (technical term for qualifying statements). Examples of what to avoid include…“sorry to be a pain,” or “I might be wrong but…”. Instead, just use clear, respectful language. 

This sets healthy boundaries and helps others trust your “no” as much as your “yes”. 

They don’t say/think:
“If I don’t say yes, they might not ask me again.” (Submissive)

“I’ll just squeeze it in—even if it means another evening lost.” (Submissive)

“I’m not doing it” or simply ignore requests. (Aggressive)

Submissive approach: This “over-helping” mindset often comes from a place of good intention—but it compromises quality and creates unsustainable habits.

Aggressive approach: This lack of willingness to accommodate others undermines trust and does not role model teamwork in the way a good leader is required to.


4. “Let’s find a way that works for both of us.”

Assertiveness invites compromise. Using language like “I’d like to find a way forward that works for both of us” creates psychological safety. 

This shifts the conversation from opposition to co-creation, which builds better working relationships.

They don’t say/think:
“I don’t want to seem demanding.” (Submissive)

“If I push too hard, they’ll pull away.” (Submissive)

“I can’t do both, so I have to focus on myself - your problem is ultimately not my concern.” (Aggressive)

By assuming a situation is an “either/or” (my way or your way) people miss an opportunity to build trust.


5. “I’ll stick with that answer for now.”TheBroken Record Technique (focussed on calmly repeating the point whilst showing empathy for the other party) is a useful strategy when someone has already given an assertive answer, but the other party keeps pushing.

This builds credibility, keeps you composed, and encourages others to respect your boundaries.

They don’t say/think:
“Maybe I should just give in.” (Submissive)

“I’ve already said no, but I don’t want to be awkward.” (Submissive)

Point blank refuse to do something / force someone to do something. (Aggressive)

In reality, the this is not being awkward—it's being assertive. Calmly repeating a boundary with the 5 Cs (Calm, Clear, Concise, Consistent, Composed) sends a message that your time, energy and priorities are valid.

Often leaders who do not know how to handle this assertiveness resort to an aggressive response, but respecting boundaries and a constructive conversation usually get better results (and/or feedback and performance management if someone is assertively not doing their job!). 


The Psychology Behind It

This is hard for your people to master sometimes, even when it makes sense to them.  Because behaviour drivers can override best intentions. Behaviour drivers are unconscious, preferred approaches shaped by early experience and personality and can be loosely categorised by these 5 common approaches. 

• The Please Others driver says: “Don’t rock the boat.”
• The Be Strong driver says: “Don’t show weakness.”
• The Try Hard driver says: “I should push harder, and do more.”
• The Hurry Up driver says: “Deal with it now or miss your chance.”
• The Be Perfect driver says: “Don’t speak up until it’s bulletproof.”

Knowing behaviour drivers helps leaders and team members alike to spot when their internal dialogue needs a rewrite. Assertive professionals catch an unhelpful thought in the moment, pause, and replace it with something more grounded like:

• “It’s OK to take a moment before answering.”
• “I am allowed to have a different opinion.”
• “It’s not rude to say no. It’s responsible.”

Situational Assertiveness is a Leadership Skill We witness effective leaders not necessarily always being assertive, but choosing assertiveness when it serves the situation and staying fair, calm and clear. Whether in a pitch meeting, a negotiation, a team huddle, or a performance review, knowing how to hold your ground without losing your head is a key leadership skill.

It's coachable, it’s impactful, and it’s something we see clients transform with just a few tools and some deliberate practice. 

PROMIND Coaching provides a series of coaching programmes that deliver practical toolkits to equip and empower real estate professionals. You can find out more on this page.